August, 2006

Recently I have found another aspect of my life that I fear. I fear that idea of failure at work. No not failure in rejection, visa or something along those lines - but fear that I might fail at work. I am not sure whether this has anything to do with my large ego that doesnt seem to quite fit my head or the high standards I try to set myself {and keep failing :)}. I just feel that for example if i do not accomplish a task - well there is a good chance that someone is going to like pointing fingers at me. So my usual tactic has been to apologize and accept my failure to get the task done on time and then learn from it. I guess I am going to continue to do that even in the future because I think one has to be “man” {this is just a phrase and no i am not a sexist} enough to accept his/her mistakes. But i really fear that one day I am just going to be considered an absolute retard by someone whom I respect. So i guess the fear is really disappointing someone or some people. Hmmmm interesting. Writing this post has actually made me think about what i actually fear. i guess the conclusion is - I fear disappointing people I respect.

Hmmmm let me dwell on that with a smoke …

Words could mean much more …..

Hamari nazan na lagjay tumko ye soch kar,
Hum tumke kam dekthe hai.

By Afzal Khan[a good friend from Andhra]

We don’t even talk anymore. The saying that silence is the biggest killer cannot be categorized as just another metaphor anymore. He couldn’t say “Dont do it baby”. Was he listening to Boys To Men too much these days? There is a slight possibility he was but I am sure he would not want to admit that. Why would he? He had no feelings, he just appreciated the game. I knew otherwise - I knew him too well and this was just more than a game for him. He could not look deep down and admit it. What is so hard about admitting something to someone? I have seen him being more frank and straight forward on other instances, but I guses this would let his “guard down”. He looked gazinly over the room. There was no aroma, no perfumes and no he was not thinking about the scent of her hair. He was thinking of possibilities and where he had gone wrong. He was a huge believer in smiles and he knew she had smiled at him differently. I mean this guy is real pathetic right; I am not even sure why I am wasting my time writing such a story. Ah the paradox of personalities couldn’t cause more confusion than this. Unless you knew this person, you would never imagine the thought processes that run through his head - a maze I remember clearly telling him when I saw it. He suddenly woke me up - Summer of 69 had come on his ipod. It was time to end this post.

You smile and I will laugh,
You feel depressed and I will try my best to console,
Piss me off and thou has found your worst enemy.
I am human - cunning, shrewd and stupidly brave.
For Friends, love and loyalty are all I have to give,
And if needed my life ….

He lay still. He wasn’t thinking and definetly no motion. Well you could hear the heart beat, so I suppose he was still alive. Crazed, mixed and complexed thoughts could never be defined as thinking for it was not in his conscious at all, but they were pouring through him. The fear of being alone was pulsating like he had never felt before. He woke up from him unconscious death with a sudden thrill and vengenance. Well that momentum died suddenly with him just like that loud techno music from his ipod. Vengenance could never be applied to this character and the thrill just faded with his sudden realization of being alone. He did not want to be here but that was a total lie. This is the only place he wanted to be but his cocky pride as usual was being a bureaucratic obstacle. Questions were raising after a long period of time in his head about his - future, life, ambitions but mostly her. A week ago, she was a different form, a different being. Confused, so was he. Imagine my confusion writing this part of the story. He laughed, knowing consciously he just had a crack at himself in his brain, and then continued typing this post. He had to admit something - this whole post is an irony of seduction.

Seems like everyday some part of us or well most part of us including our behavior follows some kind of norm and this definetly includes a repetitive task. From wearing business casual to work and of course the early morning coffee drink seems to be some normal examples of this. On the same note I was watching CNN-IBN the other day, where the program was show casing “InfoSys” and of course their top level management including Narayan Murthy was there to answer questions and make statements about the company, entrepreneurship and other topics. What really amazed me is that this concept of “norm” has crept into the questions we ask as well. Questions such as “Sir, I want to be an entrepreneur - What do you think I should do?” or something like “Sir, I want to do this sort of business - how do you think I should go about it?”. These questions of course get the same replies - “Well you should apply yourself, work hard, have creative ideas and of course sacrifice”. I doubt Mr.Murthy is going to sit down and explain to any youngster like me how I should do my business so whats the point in asking him. I respect him for he achieved something that is unique - worked very hard for it but the biggest factor is - he did it HIS WAY.

The other day I was having a chat with a mate and he was comparing me to another individual and made a statement that I was happy he made. He said “Thanesh I am not trying to be rude, but when you look at “so and so” - they seem to be more mature than you”. WOW define maturity. The best norm of all. Am I immature? Well maybe in certain people’s context and definition but definetly not in mine. I work hard, play hard, do things my way and if someone wants to label it as different or lets say “immature” -thats fine - I am doing things my way. This even applied to my recent “hair duo” when I came to Chennai. People either looked at it weirdly or had to say something about it. All this fine and understandable and I am not taking it in the wrong way for again - I am not following norms and usual conventions. Please don’t confuse this with rules and regulations. I am firm believer in those for those are needed to mould a society so that tyranny doesnt take over. Well if you want to break those go ahead and be my guest. I havent started to think about breaking them but well that might be something in the future.

Cheers

P.S. define:norm A way of behaving or believing that is normal for a group or culture. {Courtesy of Google}