What a Bitch of a Day?

A million words would not be able to describe,

How I feel about you at times…

A million years pass by and I hope I feel,

Just the same way when I dream of those beautiful eyes…

A hundred thousand women would walk on this earth,

Yet right now I feel that you are the prettiest in my world…

A hundred thousand times I would wonder what you think,

I doubt you will tell me, but I hope that some day you will…

A thousand times you would ask me not to think about you,

Every day goes by, and I wake up with what I thought last night,

And that’s you…

A thousand cruel words you might say and a thousand more,

So that you make sure you are clear,

But that sweet word I long for will vanish those thousand away…

A hundred breaths I would take to slow my beating heart,

Yet even on the slowest beat, I can hear it – your whisper, my love …

A hundred reasons you might give to stop me from courting you,

Yet I have a billion more to say, to stay with this feeling so true…

One second goes by; I am stilling thinking of you …

One more word and I feel like a life time is through …

One call in the morning and this life’s worth has been fulfilled and true …

One day, I hope you feel the same way as I do about you …

You wake with hope, an idea of ecstasy to fill the air,
the long for belonging and to be belonged,
to know that nothing can happen to ever bring you down,
to feel that nothing could ever hurt you.

You wake up with a sense, it vibrates like no other,
smell, touch, taste, hear but not see,
but seeing is worth a thousand battles, and
maybe one day I would wake up to admire the splendor.

You wake up with tranquility, a peace of mind you never had before,
that you could remove all the worlds’ burdens from your chest,
just so that she can lie on it freely,
passionate and dreaming about whether I can care about anything else.

I woke up today,
Born again by feeling, that I can never control,
A hole that I had felt long ago, one that I patched and one that is worn,
Yet even if it opens up, I hope to wake up again and I hope the feeling,

Is not yet gone…..

Heart pounding, dimensions of the world unknown, he sat and waited patiently in a car he had only dreamt of never driving - a Toyota hybrid. The iphone sat next to him quietly and he wished it would shout out, so that he knew her presence was near. It was his dear friend though, because he rarely met her and it made sure that he could hear her voice loud and clear. AT & T’s new city was called Housportfrancolbai and it served its purpose. Looking behind, he saw the red symbol of his honest feeling, residing peacefully, waiting for its owner to whisk it away. He felt and hoped that the single sign would be enough to make her understand his true intentions, in its purest and meaningful form. “Can you ask a rose to do anything more?”, he thought to himself. Maybe, he chuckled to himself, he could ask it to never fade away, and then reflected again on his cheesy thought. Seconds seemed like years, and the usual vibrant, always on the run fool, was sitting patiently.

The strumming voice of the iPhone echoed out in the small car and he picked it up as it were pure gold about to melt in his hands and he had the sole power to save it. Responding quickly, he shifted gears and made way to the arrival lounge of the airport, in eager, earnest and his hands sweating. Swirling his head around, he looked for as if he had lost the most precious object in his life, and being in the smallest car in the world didn’t help his cause. After the quickest 4 minutes in the world, he caught of the sight, he was waiting to see - elegant, beautiful, and adorably wearing a kurtha. He caught sight of the lip gloss as well and had to deviate his mind to ensure that he was not fascinating about it - at least not till she was dropped home. He felt like he had to get down and open the car but the policeman standing beside the vehicle had the most “get out of here” face and he had to do the next best gentlemanly behavior - open the door for the lady from inside the car.

Her “hi” was just a squiggle of the hands as she was busy on the phone. Decreasing the volume, he began to admire her cute voice, the one that he would hear over his best utility. He wasn’t the fastest driver, and he did not mind having the quality right now. She hung up the phone and looked with a friendly smile. He knew there was nothing more in those eyes, or was there, he thought to himself. As the night poured in, he strolled out the hybrid onto the quiet roads of the hilly city. A wonderful car drive, he thought to himself, I hope this doesn’t fade away …

He held the bottle tightly, remembering everything about her as he swallowed the wine, as if it had the healing powers he had imagined it to possess. Never so much pain, and he laughed. That thought just trickled on forever, he felt. Would it ever stop? He looked around to see whether anyone had been noticing him. The silent night seemed his only partner and as a small gust of wind passed by - he started crying inside again. Why could he not cry out aloud? Shame, fear, hurt, pain or the mere thought that if he cried inside - she would hear him. Was there ever an imaginary thread that could hold two people together, he wondered. He chuckled to himself as he saw a tear fall into the glass - the mere thought of such romantic fantasies should have been left to the television set. He wanted to tear himself apart - for the mistakes he had commited - but what were they? Had he cheated on her, had he played around, had he led her on - the answers to all those he knew were not one that she would believe. Or was he hurt by his unforgivable mistake of just trying to let her go. Hearing those words, none of which were spoken to him - yet words that mattered - the greatest crime of any kind - betraying the trust of someone he cared about as much as he could have cared. The words kept piercing him, letter by letter till he slide down the wall with his back, till he was on his knees. As the river flowed more graciously, he began to feel the word he did not want to hear himself - regret. A beautiful voice, a calming laugh, mind puzzling words and the constant reply of “NO” - it was all gone. It just happened and not it was not there anymore.

He clinched the glass tighter, and saw himself - reflected on a small prism - shone by the slightest moonlight - on the background of a dark red fluid - he still loved her.

She arrived, the prettiest thing that I had seen and it was worth the thousand miles I had traveled. I had wanted to spend the whole day with her and she had obliged, and all I wanted to do was just observe - her, her face, her eyes, her hair and just her. She sat quietly, not wanting to say anything but maybe wondering what she was doing there. I did not want to read her mind. Her presence was overwhelming enough and I began to grow a conscious awareness of my stalk-eyed glances. I think she knew it too.

The Coastal Highway was a remainder of why a convertible would have made more sense. But I reminded myself why between the balancing act of watching her hair brushed by winds and the constant silence that I wanted to embrace, I had chosen the latter. She turned around and smiled when we figured we were lost. I could not help but amuse myself with the notion that maybe I did not mind getting lost - with her. Another precious minute is more than what I had bargained for. She did not want to flirt but smiled, she did not want to be touched but held my hand for a lifetime of seconds, she did not want to glance but knew I was looking at her and most of all - she did not want to feel but I think she knew what I was feeling.

Lunch was a matter of choices. The first restaurant we arrived at was closed. I had to tease her about the  unknowns in her own surrounding. She was not very amused but tried to tackle me right out of my routine by questioning my judgement on directions. I had lost.  The Indian restaurant was a quiet place, just enough people to make sure the food was fresh but a tranquil ambient that allowed me to focus and hear her. We had ordered more than we had thought we could munch in and to relieve the pressure of too much food, I had to carve out some of my embarassing acts. A bicep contest between us judged by the waiter eventually led to a small but hearty laughter - I had hoped that the food got digested in the process. I was not sure.

{To be Continued …}

Stabbed, Strangled and Cut in pieces,

Even the waves cease as they sweep across my face.

Longing, Breathless and the Pleasure of whisper,

Bright rays heal and the mist shreds away.

Waiting For You…

Broken, Shattered and Battered down,

The blood drops down with pain much more than my own mind.

Dreaming, Wishing and Mostly Hope,

The world stops and a hand brushes my face.

Is that you?

“We hold these truths to be self-evident , that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”