Ever since I took a “self character learning” class at Arizona State University, I have come to understand the most important teaching of that particular lecture. The fact that every good deed conducted by an individual is actually a selfish deed, because of the “good feeling” one has been awarded for such an event. I think ever since then, I have always considered myself a sinner.
What are the levels of defining whether an individual’s character is true/false, good/evil – natural or pretentious? What does an individual have to do in their lifetime to create such a dome of perception in the minds of others? Is it truly necessary to be aware of such inadequacies or misprints in our character to justify social environments and materials or can we live within ourselves and rationalize it with “I can answer to God” one day? I think the latter is just something that everyone preaches but in the socially connected world we live in today, I think it can be said that it is difficult to live within ourselves.
I have made many mistakes in the past and one that stands by so closely to me and redefined me at a very young age was a period of time when I was considered a bully in high school. At the age of 16, I do not think it was inexcusable but I was able to learn from my acts very fast, especially due to events, personal accusations and close friends. I am, to this day, very ashamed of that period of time, but it is something that I have learnt to forgive myself for and trying to walk away.
Recently, I received an email which redefined and probably forever has re-engineered my self image, my perspective - of myself. The contents of the email cannot be disclosed since I would violate any form of confidentiality/trust that exists, if it does still. But within the time period of me receiving it and to me writing this blog, I have questioned my personal traits, my behavior, the language that I use, my “open book” theory and most of all I have questioned myself of what it actually means to be a “good decent” human being and how far am I from going to hell. I have had incidents where my character has been questioned by others and in recent times an incident comes to mind. But during that period of time, I was hurt by what I felt was false accusations – I did not question myself for I truly felt that I had done nothing wrong and it was a big misunderstanding that will wilt with the test of time. This current environment is totally different and much more complicated because I actually feel that the contents of the email are right – for it comes from someone I truly respect.
One of the few things I do with certain issues that I deal with in life is to set benchmarks. The idea of this is to see how far below the line do I fall, and at times to even validate my behavior. For example – drinking can be a very expensive habit and can lead to disastrous circumstances if consumed on a regular basis without the need for a break. So the benchmark that I prefer to set for this which I think can be considered somewhat “decent” – is to have a drink if possible during the weekend to alleviate the pains of hard work during the week. I am not sure whether this is a good benchmark, but I hope it gives you an idea of where I am going with this. So what benchmarks can we set ourselves with issues that we deal with personally to actually validate the good and bad in us?
A couple of examples:
1.) Is Elliot Spitzer a bad person for cheating on his wife? Does he go to hell? Should that be considered a benchmark for all married men?
2.) Should everyone at work truly exhibit their personal opinions on any relevant issue? If they don’t are they being dishonest? Should this be considered a benchmark?
The greatest confusion that arose after I tried to set certain benchmarks for myself during this period of great distress, is whether such benchmarks are considered “good-enough” or even “worth” in the minds of others. One of the hardest problem to solve is where do we find common ground and whom can we approach to figure this out. Even the greatest friends of mine and myself share fundamental differences in core issues – does this mean that some day my character can be misinterpreted? The other hardest problem is whether the values that we set for ourselves are too “sainthood like” – that we come across as being pretentious and dishonest.
So in all this confusion of trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong and whether my behavior has been appalling- to receive what I think could be termed as “very passionate, blunt , honest and urgent” language, I have decided that I think I should try to eradicate certain thoughts/ideas of mine which are reflected in my behavior. I do not think the “open book” idea works anymore. It is like capitalism – it only works in the environment where everyone else is open and trying to understand each other with some form of leeway. I think I have to be very careful about trust. I think I should be more aware of individual sensitiveness rather than the naivety that exists in my head.
It is going to be very hard for me, since I am like the over analytical fuel tank. I can keep burning on high if more joy and friendly events/environment exists and occurs frequently but the slightest bit of disappointment and harsh tone could lead to an explosion of distress and depression. Of course it matters whom the catalyst is, or what it is. I am very confused about myself but I think I am trying to be “open-minded” about my lack of character and hopefully sometime soon – be able to readjust and try to conquer this “Utopian” thought of self-righteousness with some what dignity and decency without a false image or being pretentious.